Posts tagged: Long Distance Relationships
For the past few days I’ve been worried out of my mind about something. The love of my life wants to visit me next month. Now this in itself is wonderful, nearly 10 years of speaking with her, growing close to her, sharing good times and bad with her. The problem comes in how much I’ve told my family about her, my relationship with my family is…arms length, I don’t talk to them unless either I or they need something, and for so long that’s worked out well enough„ ,now however I need something that they require input on. You see she’d be staying with us, and as far as that goes I have next to no idea how they’d react to me asking to let someone who they consider a “complete stranger” stay in our house for any length of time.
My mother and my sister talk, ceaselessly, its almost impossible to get them to stop talking about something once their mind is set into motion. I don’t know why then, that I thought my mom would be tactful when I asked her initially about my love staying with me. She didnt, I managed to discover that shes told not only my sister, her friend, and my aunt, but also her sisters husband and my mothers boyfriend also found out, near immediately (clearly I was mistaken in even thinking that my mother knew anything of the word tact let alone how to manage it)
Anyway after a night full of drunken shenanigans, alcohol induced social interaction (i’m a bit of an introvert) a very interesting football game, and several “deep family conversations” I discovered that beyond all of my families chiding, joking, tactless joking, and lack of trust in my ability to make good decisions, they actually do care and hope that in the end my feelings aren’t shattered by finally meeting the woman I’ve come to feel a deep connection with over all these years. Beyond what I thought about my families closed-mindedness they seem to truly care about the strange loner that lives in their house…and I’m actually proud to call them family.
Day 7: How do you communicate with each other?
When we started it was private messages and forum conversations. As we grew closer we moved to instant messengers. MSN to be exact. More time went on, eventually I gave her my phone number and she occasionally called me (because I have this thing where whenever I call people I have absolutely no idea what to say) A little later (read: after I got my own computer) we both got Skype we’d voice chat.
And that is the story of our communication history
Yep, that sounds about right. Dunno why she’s all Anti-gaia now though. Everyone’s got their guilty pleasures its like playing with toys, everyone’s done it but nobody wants to admit it when they think they’re too old.
Dre and I met on Gaiaonline.com >w<
Though if anyone, for any reason, wants to read the more in depth story of how we met, it’s here: http://gatica.tumblr.com/post/14759372691/oxymoron
And so it continues…So far not very challenging…I keed I keed
Day 2: Your Age/ Their Age
I’m 22 / shes 19(20 pretty soon)
Well I saw it and decided that I’d give it a shot too
Day 1: Your name/ Their name
Dre/ Natalie (I don’t do last names)
This morning I woke up, went about my normal morning routine. Wake up, tidy room (a little its never really clean) clean the bathroom, sweep the foyer and kitchen, and then return to my bedroom to be a lazyass at least until I start getting hungry and decide to make breakfast or someone else does. Majorly boring stuff no? My life isn’t full of excitement mostly just video games, writing, and tedious repetitiveness, but in the midst of all this boring repetition there’s one thing that I’ve come to rely upon.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not the type that gets attached very easily to anything, I constantly lose things and I’ve taught myself that everything in the end dies, no matter how tightly you want to hold onto it or how hard it may be to take it. I’ve told you all before that I used to be very different, a manipulative prick who got off on playing people against one another for my own amusement but something at some point changed that. It was her. I recall ending off one of my entries saying I didn’t take being abandoned very gracefully.
My first memory from after that time was getting detained by a police officer (for something stupid and insignificant) I didnt do any jail time or anything but it was pretty aggravating, next up I started demolishing my schools grading system, changing values, improving my grades doing it for whichever ‘friends’ at the time would pay me, I didn’t care if I got caught. Looking back on it it was just a bunch of juvenile delinquent behavior acting out because I was angry, at the time I didn’t know what for but looking back I was throwing a temper tantrum like a child who had their security blanket taken away. Problem with breaking rules just cause your angry is other people dont have your frame of reference so they cant feel sympathetic and crimes are still crimes so I was punished, forced to take delinquent classes in school, it wasn’t so bad.
Months passed I eventually calmed down and became an emotionally distant person, I went back and hung out with my friends but I became known for how much of a jerkass I could be, I wasn’t mean so much as practical in a “kick em when they’re down” kind of way. And then out of nowhere she came back…I remember it kind of strangely, I was sitting around being particularly cruel on a videogame then out of nowhere something I didnt expect to see popped up in the corner of my computer screen “Kitten (my nickname for Nat) has logged on” That couldn’t be right, she had blocked me she had said she didn’t want to talk to me again. Its almost hilarious how happy I was and how utterly ENRAGED I was at the same time.
“Hey” her first words when she came back, like she hadn’t blocked me for MONTHS
“Hey” I replied back, not going to be the one who showed that I was hurt for so long, though I think she knew. The conversation went on nonchalantly both of us awkwardly going about a pointless conversation, then I asked “Where have you been all this time?” She gave me some nonchalant answer like “He had told me to so I did” That logic didn’t fly with me, I got angrier and angrier at her, chewing her out about how miserable I had been and how she should care and respect her friends more. Maybe I was a little out of line in saying all that but I think it was something both of us needed and the entire experience brought us closer together.
Now to skip ahead a while, I don’t remember how the conversation got started, maybe it just happened and she needed to get it off her chest but she began telling me about how she wanted me to come visit her, this wasn’t the first time the conversation had come up. We had often argued about who would come see who or how it would happen, it was maybe the only topic that I always answered the same way “I’m sure it will happen eventually, I’m sure we’ll be together” As even if we weren’t lovers I planned for us to ALWAYS be friends. Short of her killing my family and putting a hit out on me I couldn’t think of any scenario that I wouldn’t forgive her for, however I never think she felt the same way. I imagine she always had this nagging feeling that no matter what I was just saying this to placate her and go about whatever we had been doing that the conversation interrupted.
And now we come to now, she is coming, one way or another and all I can do at the moment is sit here and smirk, because if there’s one thing that a relationship needs, its trust, and I’m glad that no matter how doubtful she was she never stopped trusting me.
Anyway, I guess that’s all I really wanted to get off my chest, I’ll end this before I start making less sense, I kinda start rambling sometimes.
Well, would you look at that, I’ve got a follower! Well one who’s not my girlfriend(not that you don’t count sweetheart) I’d like to extend that I’m honored that you found me interesting I’ll try to keep it up.
This morning (embarassing bit) after being sick as a dog and confined to the bathroom most of the morning I managed to make my way out and about, into the world to do some…shopping! Yeah, not the most exciting chore but everyone needs to sometimes right? Anyway this particular morning I had a very specific item in mind to pick up (several but only one was on my mind and important) A webcam.
Now I have a camera, on my cellphone, and its sufficed for any and everything I needed it to, pictures of myself, others and events and what not. Recently however My darling has come up with the idea that she wants to hold little conversations, which up till now have always been onesided, me looking at her while she stares at a little icon with my name floating above it (not romantic at all). That can change, just one of the little steps toward being closer together until we…well actually are standing side by side. However don’t worry people I promise I’ll limit my naked dancing to shower time and keep it off camera.
Yeah, I know I left off a bit abruptly on the last story, emotionally heavy stuff that time in my life. I’m not usually one to talk about things that bother me or make me uncomfortable, I usually just choke it back allow my anxiety to crush down silently within and put on a false smile so that other people wont worry about me.
All in all however the times kinda got better after that, eventually she unblocked me and my defensive wall was taken down by her brick by brick over the next few years and we flourished once again. Time passed, we admitted once again that we loved each other and that we weren’t going to let anything so stupid or insignificant as jealousy or indifference get in between us again. Nothing was off limits to talk about, and were both pretty open minded so we had no fear about touching on ‘forbidden’ topics. Things were good for years, we were both a little bothered by the distance, but in our hearts we were mere inches away.
Then it happened, I remember that she had been stressing about something and our usual conversation topics were moving a little slowly. All she would tell me is that she had something on her mind. Then she went quiet, I was a little worried(the bad part about being paranoid and having light anxiety) I couldn’t figure out what was wrong or what was on her mind and it bothered me. When she came back she had told me that she had gotten into an argument with her mother and had basically laid everything out about how she felt…and she listened. Right that moment she told me something else, that she was discussing with her mother the idea of her coming to America, coming to meet me. My heart soared, but there was another problem that arose from this…my own family and how I would arrange for accommodating her.
As I explained in my first post my long distance lover has been beginning her blog. I believe her first official post was about her earliest memories of us. Very accurate, despite having a very good memory myself she recalled several things that even I let fall to the darker spots of my mind where they’d only be called upon with a nice jump-start. For the most part she was right, it was an amusing short meeting followed by becoming light friends and then something of a little joke couple which fell apart when I decided to do something stupid in my life and boast about it to a friend, who in turn told her. In the end that situation worked itself out and made us stronger.
The bit that I’m interested to get on is a little more…depressing. I like to think I’m the cold logical type. Don’t get me wrong I’m no Mr.Spock believing in nothing but cold hard facts with no emotional input but I do tend to let ‘sure’ things win out over taking chances because of how I feel. Now around the time we began understanding our feelings about eachother we were in a little, on again off again roller-coaster of interest, never capable of seeing exactly eye to eye about what we wanted out of eachother. I was interested in her, enthralled even. There was next to nothing that I wouldn’t do for her if it was in my power, however little that may be.
I was a highschooler, a bit of a cocky asshole as early in life I had figured out that I had a knack for being a bit of a magnificently manipulative bastard. I would start problems just to get other people to begin arguing about it just so I could take a few steps back watch it escalate. She didn’t find it nearly as amusing as I did, indirect responses, indifferent attitudes, general ignorance or lack of interest in things that she felt strongly enough to bring up to me were all I gave her and I didn’t worry about it.
Then he appeared, at first she said it was nothing. Some new kid she had met that was amusing enough, constantly telling her he was in love and making a fool out of himself. I remember her saying something along the lines of “Hes trying so hard its pathetic” and I would laugh it off and not care. Then one day she told me she was done with me, tired of how I didn’t seem to care and said she was going to give the little whelp a shot. I was furious, however I let it go. She seemed happy so we went about our lives, we were still close nothing changed she even introduced me to him. It was this point where I realized two things, that he was a condescending little bastard, obviously talking down to me without ever meeting me or talking to me before, taking potshots at my emotional weakness and inability to choose to say something that would hurt someone who I at the time still cared for (no matter how I refused to admit it to her). Right then I realized that I had been talking to someone very similar to myself, the only difference I saw was that I had the common sense and morality to not play with peoples emotional weakness.
At this point I had likened our relationship to a glass house, we had gone in together and wandered around the rooms getting lost and looking for eachother, somewhere along the line however I stepped too hard and the floor began to crack. She became angry at me for something that I had said to a friend about feeling cheated on, she confronted me about it and I told her in the harshest terms possible that she was making a horrible mistake in choosing HIM over ME, she didnt take this well and severed any and every tie we had. The glass floor now shattered and sent me spiraling downward. At first I thought she was angry, but as time went on more and more without hearing from her or any of our mutual friends I grew angrier and angrier up to the point where I detached emotionally. Why would I let someone else do to me what she had, what we had done to each other, nothing meant anything to me anymore without our daily chats. She was my drug and I was forced ‘cold turkey’ and didn’t take to it very well at all.